Like a lot of girls, I always dreamed about the day I would become a Mom. As a teenager, when I was asked the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer without hesitation was that I wanted to be a mom. I couldn’t wait to love and care for my beautiful kids just like my parents did for me. Though I never imagined that I would have a hard time having my own kids, adoption has always been close to my heart. I have two uncles and a close friend who were adopted. Ever since I was little, I remember thinking that adoption was the neatest thing and felt that one day I would somehow be a part of the miracle of adoption.
Anyone who knows me knows that I like to plan and I like to be prepared. The first “hint” I received that there would be a road of infertility in my life was in high school, when before leaving a check up at the doctor’s office, the doctor mentioned that I would likely have a hard time getting pregnant when the time came around. I don’t know what caused her to say that, but I am forever grateful that she did since it prepared me for what would come.
Erik and I were married in 2008 and after about a year of “trying” without any success, we immediately started seeing a fertility specialist. There wasn’t anything medically they could find, the end result was always “unexplained infertility”. We devoted the next seven years to tests, blood work, ultrasound after ultrasound, injections, and multiple failed IUI and IVF cycles. Throughout our fertility journey we were always fond of adoption and felt that one day we would be blessed through it, but as we continued to pray about it, it never felt like the time was right. In the beginning of 2015 we prayed again about adoption and instead, felt strongly that we needed to do one more IVF cycle. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was a wreck. I didn’t want to wake up an hour earlier each morning to take injection after injection only to be let down again.
I will never forget the day we found out we were pregnant. The day started off at the doctor’s office for a blood test. We only worked half the day since the nurse would be calling with the results in the afternoon. I was so nervous. We sat watching and waiting for the phone to ring for about an hour. It finally rang and I froze, I couldn’t answer it. Erik answered and talked to the nurse. I heard him say “Are you serious?!” and the nurse excitedly responded back, “Yes, you guys are pregnant!”. I couldn’t believe it. We had been told that we weren’t pregnant so many times before that it almost felt routine. I had to hear it for myself. I grabbed the phone and received confirmation that our dreams really were coming true. We jumped up and down, screamed, cried and laughed all at the same time, we couldn’t contain ourselves. Our doctor and the nurses we had been working with for the past several years all took the time to reach out and congratulate us over the coming weeks, they were all so excited to finally have a breakthrough with us as well. I even got to see one of the embryos in an ultrasound and they said it was growing faster than normal. We had implanted two embryos and my numbers indicated that we were pregnant with twins.
Unfortunately, our miracle was cut short when a routine check up showed that my levels where going up and down, which indicated the likelihood of a miscarriage. We were crushed. I was scared, nervous, yet still hopeful that things would turn around. As long as I had faith, it would work out, right? We had been promised so much and felt so good about the way things were going. Weeks later it happened though, we miscarried. I was being monitored to make sure my HCG levels went down as they should, but instead of going down they continued to rise and fall abnormally. I started getting really sharp pains and cramping that were at times unbearable. Since my levels weren’t going down consistently they decided the best option would be to have a D&C to remove any abnormal tissue that hadn’t passed during the miscarriage. I was told it would be a simple procedure that wouldn’t take very long. However, I woke up from the procedure to find out that we had to rush to the hospital because there was another embryo that was ectopic (or a “tube pregnancy”) which is considered life threatening. What I thought was already bad was turning into a nightmare, we had already miscarried one embryo and now we were finding out that the other embryo was ectopic. I think I was in a daze the entire time at the hospital. I remember waking up from surgery, trying to talk but my voice would shake uncontrollably. The car ride home was the worst. I was so nauseous, the only thing I could do was curl up in the seat of the car and hope I’d actually make it home.
It’s like they say though, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Though this was by far the hardest thing I have ever been through, I can say in hindsight that it was the period of greatest learning and growth I have ever experienced. I learned so much about God’s love and that what we were going through wasn’t a mistake or a change of plans, but part of a much greater, beautiful plan than I could ever understand. I can honestly say that I felt his love and strength, I felt that He knew exactly what I was going through and He also felt how incredibly hard and painful it was. He literally carried our burdens through that period of time.
As we went through the healing process over the coming months, we started praying again about how to grow our family. We finally started to feel like now was the time to look into adoption. We started talking to everyone we could about adoption, the process, the paperwork, etc.. I will always remember the feeling I got when I talked to one person in particular. I was so touched hearing about all of the amazing blessings that had come into his family’s life from adoption and how beautiful it was. I was already excited to adopt but this confirmed that it was what we were supposed to do and be a part of. I remember leaving this conversation and wanting to call Erik immediately to share my excitement.
Fast forward to today, we are now hopeful adoptive parents waiting to be matched with a child or expecting birth mother. As we’ve been going through the preparations and meeting so many amazing people who have been involved with adoption, I am constantly amazed at the sacrifice and selflessness of someone placing their baby for adoption. To say I admire their courage and strength would be an understatement. They are literally heroes in my opinion. We are so excited for the path that lies ahead and to be a part of the miracle of adoption!
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You can read my foster to adopt story HERE .
To read a remarkable journey of an amazing Birth Mom who so courageously placed her child up for adoption read HERE.
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