“Your life will change for the better.”

“You will never experience this kind of love until you have a baby.”

“Being a mom is the best thing that will ever happen to you.”

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I was told those things countless times. And yes, while they are all true, those were not exactly my thoughts after bringing home baby number 1.

The first night home from the hospital, I was up every two hours with a screaming baby. I remember very vividly thinking to myself, “Why in the you know what do people have children? This is seriously hell.”

Yeah, it changed my life that’s for freaking sure. But most definitely not for the better.

Yeah, I will never experience this kind of love, but I do NOT love ANYONE at 2:00 in the morning screaming their head off.

And no, I can certainly think of better things that have happened to me than being a mom in this moment in time.

I remember thinking why on earth my so called “friends,” did not fill me in on what the freak is happening here?!? Isn’t this supposed to be all roses and rainbows? Aren’t my so called “motherly instincts” supposed to kick in anytime soon? And I need my mom NOW!

So I’m going to be a true friend, 😉 and let you mamas know on some highly classified information that no one told me after pregnancy.

#1. You will legit feel like a walking zombie.

The tired level that I felt was on the verge of death. I literally thought I was dying (dramatic to the 10th degree). I thought how do people come back from this? Am I ever going to feel normal again? I remember when it would start getting closer and closer to bedtime, my anxiety level would be as high as a kite because I thought I can’t do this again. Should I just stay up all night and wait? Should I even go to bed? Is it worth it? Should I find a hole and crawl in it?

#2. You will experience female patterned baldness.

There is nothing more attractive than feeling like a beluga whale, leaking from every hole of your body, and then realizing that your hairline resembles your dads. It’s fantastic! I love it! (in the words of Nacho Libre) I love my baby and think they are cutest thing on the planet, but I most certainly don’t want to be rocking the same hair style.

#3. You will experience the law of gravity.

What goes up, must come down right? Well the same will happen to your body. What was once perky and cute, will now sag to your knees. It’s super cute. I’m so glad I’ve been able to apply what I learned in 10th grade science class to real life. NOT!

#4. You will feel like you are packing for a 10 day trip every time you leave the house.

It literally would take me 20 minutes to get out the door because I would pack every baby essential we had in the home. I would have packed my baby swing to run to the grocery store if I had room. You know, just in case. For being such small little people, they require a massive amount of crap.

#5. You will realize breastfeeding isn’t for everyone.

This “bond” that people experience during breastfeeding was not happening for me. What in the world is going on here? I didn’t look down at my daughter with joy in my eyes, I looked at her like if you don’t stop right now I’m going to hurt someone. The pain was unbearable. I was bleeding and they still wanted me to keep breast feeding. Last time I checked my baby was a human and not a vampire. I tried and tried and tried some more, but it wasn’t making me happy and I wasn’t having an enjoyable experience. And that’s okay. I had to remind myself for those first few months that I wasn’t a bad mom because I wasn’t breast feeding! And first time moms, don’t let other people make you feel that way either! Different strokes for different folks.

#6. You will get to wear a special kind of underwear.

This type of underwear was the Secret that Victoria was keeping from you. It’s high waisted, a little cheeky and see through! Nothing like a good pair of mesh underwear with a diaper underneath! You can be twins with your newborn! Yippee!

#7. You will realize any weight you gained after 20 lbs is yours to keep.

“If you gain more than 20 lbs, anything after that is yours to keep.” Those are the famous words from my grandma. They couldn’t be more true. Nothing like being asked, “when are you due?” AFTER you have had the baby. Like 6 months after. Holding back the tears and my fist from punching her in the face, I simply replied, “Oh, any day now.”

#8. You will do it all over again (and again and again and again).

That’s the reason why men do not have babies. If they did, the human population would have been extinct a long time ago. The reason why we do it over again is because our lives changed for the better, we felt a kind of love that we had never felt before, and we realized that being a mom is that greatest thing that has happened to us.

I guess those moms that told me those 3 things before, knew EXACTLY what I would feel after pregnancy.

xoxo Ashton

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